My Hilarious Dad—This Week: Signs, Daffynitions and King Solomon

OK. I admit it. The summer season has done a number on Soldado. But that is not why we've let a couple days slide without a post. The blame on this one is on a script in my sidebar that just got updated and threw my format out of whack. The sidebar was just not visible until you scroll to the very bottom.

I thought that I've got stuff on the sidebar that are important to why I blog so I spent the time to figure out what was going on. I just got it fixed moments ago but it took deleting a whole slew of links that I had hoped would someday become reciprocal. My apologies to those affected. Hope to find the time to rebuild them.

In the meantime, it is Wednesday. It is funny or inspirational post day. Here is this week's offering:

Real Signs For Real Situations

In a health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

In an office:
After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

In a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

In a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Also in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Quicksand warning:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned...
By order of the District Council.


New Daffynitions

Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go get lost in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist :
A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, "See I am not injured yet."

Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father :
A banker provided by nature.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


You First

Mama was making pancakes for her two sons, Morrie age 5 and Stanley age 3. The boys began to argue who should get the first pancake.

"Shame on you, boys. If King Solomon, the wise king, were here, he would say, let my brother have the first pancake."

Morrie looked at Stanley and said,"O.K., you be King Solomon today."


Source:
Andychaps "The Funnies"
andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com
Andychap@aol.com Dave "Andy" Anderson

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(It is our practice in The LORD My Dad on Wednesdays to lighten up and post humor or inspiration. We do so to call attention also to the humorous facet of the LORD's character.--SDO)