My Hilarious Dad--This Week: Cowboys, Grandparents and Cops
DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
by Texas Bix Bender
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Some Future Quotes from Grandparents
* "I remember when we only had 500 channels to watch!"
* "You call that 'dancing'? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that 'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing."
* "When I was your age, we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use a CELL PHONE!"
* "When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We ate them right out of the can!"
* "Senility, my foot! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car!"
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Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement
1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
APF: Aiken's One Liners
Source:
Andychaps "The Funnies"
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andychaps_the-funnies/
posted by Victor Antonio a.k.a. Soldado De Oracion @ 11:00 PM
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