The LORD My Dad: My Hilarious Dad--This Week

Artwork provided courtesy of James "theo" Theopistos. See his artwork at BibleVerseArt.com, which is owned and operated by Omni Visions Digital Media Services.

It is our practice in The LORD My Dad on Wednesdays to lighten up and post humor or inspiration. We do so to call attention also to the humorous facet of the LORD's character.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.

"Hello, is this the minister?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"

"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me if that amount is true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......

"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4-year old granddaughter.

One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.

I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.

She said, "But you can't because you snore too much."

Source:
Pastor Tim's List
http://www.cybersalt.org
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QUOTE FUNNIES

Sports bloopers from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd:

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
~ Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
~ Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
~ Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
~ Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"He fakes a bluff."
~ Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
~ Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
~ Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
~ Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
~ Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
~ Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
~ Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on the team's ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
~ Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
~ Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
~ Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
~ Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
~ Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
~ Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
~ Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."
~ Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
~ Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

"Formation drowning."
~ Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
~ Yogi Berra

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
~ Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
~ Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
~ Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"The similarities between me and my father are different."
~ Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

MORE QUOTE FUNNIES

Quotes on the nature of the universe:

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
~ Carl Zwanzig

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
~ Douglas Adams

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
~ Albert Einstein

"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
~ Unknown

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
~ Edward P. Tryon

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
~ John Andrew Holmes

"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
~ Max Frisch

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
~ Kilgore Trout

"I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
~ Woody Allen

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
~ Douglas Adams

"The crux...is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
~ William J. Broad

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
~ Rich Cook

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
~ Fred Hoyle

"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
~ Ray Bradbury

"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
~ Christopher Morley

"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
~ Edward Chilton

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
~ Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)